Manufactured by:
Bestfoods UK Ltd., P.O. Box 235, Esher, Surrey
KT10 9XD
www.hellmans.com
Ingredients:
Water, vegetable oil, modified starch,
pasteurised egg and egg yolk, spirit vinegar,
salt, sugar, cream, lemon juice, mustard
flavouring, preservative (potassium sorbate),
stabilisers (guar gum, xanthan gum), mustard,
antioxidant (calcium disodium edta), paprika
extract. One will immediately observe that most
ingredients are modified, extracted or just
scooped straight out of a Petri dish, why use
mustard flavouring when you already have
perfectly good mustard in a recipe? I suspect
that even Hellmann's water may be processed
water extract
Taste: Like tepid rainwater passing
through a bowler hat. A sticky suffocating
cloying amalgam struggling to be as briefly
sweet and joyous as summer breeze, and falling
just short a tiny bit short
Colour:
Standard Hellmann's white, now almost twice as
white as any natural object
Comments:
Setting the standard for mayonnaises the world
over by being the biggest, most powerful,
grumpiest food company, and by far the most
likely to sue the World of Mayonnaise for
salacious unsubstantiated comments
Overall:
8 out of 10 - Not the full on chemical
creamy high of Hellmann's regular mayonnaise,
but a fine attempt at luring the figure obsessed
lettuce munchers into the clutches of the white
devil
|
HELLMANN'S LIGHT
Hellmann's is the mayonnaise arm of the massive,
galaxy wide Bestfoods empire, a loosely gathered
group of despotic dominions which together account
for 31,237% of the world's annual food consumption
(all figures as verified by the Welsh Institute of
Lies). Ruled over by the shadowy and publicity shy
megalomaniac Mr Louis J Bestfood III, Bestfoods goal
is to conquer the known universe (prior to then
conquering the unknown bits) by means of a multitude
of high visibility premium food brands, an aim which
they certainly look set to achieve well before their
2125 deadline. Save for a small unassuming band of
merchandising friendly toy bears dwelling peaceably
on one of the moons of Endor, Bestfoods empire is
now the single most powerful force at work in the
cosmos.
Many
firms of course have more than one brand of
mayonnaise, and it would be a little churlish to
criticise Hellmann's for their pioneering work in
advanced mayonnaise research over the years. In
their stable of over eight hundred thoroughbred
brand mayonnaises though, Hellmann's Light is a
skinny pale white mare, with a slight touch of colic
and perhaps an allergy to freshly mown hay. Reaching
the shores of the United Kingdom only quite
recently, Hellmann's Light was a minor revelation,
riding upon the crest of a periodic wave of
temporary fitness, which sweeps over the British
populace after every third "lard can make you a bit
fat actually" scare. Borrowing its concept and
initiative from the United States, a country which
is contrarily both the most health obsessed and by
far the most obese (apologies to any passing
Germans) it is now the most popular diet brand of
mayonnaise in the country.
A fine
mayonnaise which follows Mr Bestfoods prescription
for world and galactic domination. This runs
something like: find a product, spend a gazillion
dollars on marketing, killing of small pockets of
resistance, research, chemicals and Korean part time
workers in order to create a tasty, possibly
addictive and powerfully marketed brand which
consumers will be exposed to more than the rays of
the sun in their particular part of the solar
system. Highly viscose saturated mayonnaise without
the addictively sweet qualities of its big fat
bullish brother, marked with a dry and arid
aftertaste, possibly with slightly more mustard
intonations than is usual for an American brand.
Bitterness from lemons do well to make up for the
noted lack of sweetness and the creamy modified way
of Hellmann's secret flavouring ensures that all
obese fitness junkies will eat it voraciously by the
juicy gallon bucket load. |
