The History of the World According to Student Bloopers.

an excerpt from http://www.yaelf.com - fun with english

"One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel 
of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from 
certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth 
grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot."

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. 
The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the 
dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular 
cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were 
created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked 
Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. 
Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it.
 One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where 
they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up 
on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. 
He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's 
sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, 
Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles 
dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable.

Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last 
hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man 
of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died 
from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to 
the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law 
into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't 
climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were 
outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one 
place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished 
himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be 
made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King 
Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard 
Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided 
that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, 
who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who 
shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther 
was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being 
excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the 
father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. 
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important
invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an 
abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth 
exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the 
Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and 
is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, 
comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving 
himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Mac-beth to kill the King by 
attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time 
as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton 
wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while
cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed 
the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by 
Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on 
their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to 
them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many
babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists 
would send their pacels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was 
throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists 
won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the 
Contented Congress.

Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. 
Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. 
He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot 
stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the 
Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution 
the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was 
born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall 
silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength."

Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back 
of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the 
ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent 
victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of 
the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane
actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricityand also wrote a book 
called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples 
are falling off the trees.  Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half 
German, half Italian and half English.  He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote 
music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music.He took long walks in the forest even when 
everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise 
was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the 
crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and 
nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. 
He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the 
West.  Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and 
finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which 
ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused 
a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred 
men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was 
a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species".Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the 
Marx Brothers. 

The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the 
anals of human history.

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